When time pass by, some of us chose the path the adults made for us. They found ways to strategize their next move and began wielding armours, weapons and sharp wits. They began seeing thiss fight as a war rather than a way to bond. Soon, we were split into three divisions that shows us our rankings. By sheer luck some managed to enter the top rankings, and others at the bottom.

I stood quietly by the sides, seeing how the higher-ups scolded them and compared those ranked bottom to us top rankers. Sure, they were horrible fighters, but they were incredibly bonded. In my division, I saw the silent chaos spreading and taking root within the hearts of the people. They formed groups, gossiped, cheated, bullied, etc.

Despite the corruption, I still hung on strong. My heart belonged to those lower ranks while my fighting spirit stood amongst the clusters of strong fighters. I took one step into adulthood, so as to get by the confusion, but maintained that childish heart of mine.

This is the the way I see STUDIES.

Last I recalled, I dreamt of being Alya(Azure). I had my arms stretched out many times during that period. Many rejected me due to my performances in the game clashing with the Ancient’s Prophecy, just because I fought to protect the people living beyond the gates…

I remincised over the numerous times my allies argued with the citizens.

“Can’t you tell between the villians and the heros!?” Doris…

“He just saved your sorry butt back there and you scream at him for that?” Mr Lark…

“He’s no monster! Big bro just happened to learn this attack spell from Master Feng…” Felinus…

“I lost to pipsqueak fair and square. It had nothing to do with that thingamajic prophesy! Even if it were true, he should be stronger than this!” Izotz…

And then I remembered those people who rejected me. They were just confused as I was, then again, they had all the right to despise me. The feeling of them slapping my stretched out hands, stabbing my heart  and souring my eyes stang throughout my time of rest. I heard screams as terrified as that of terrorists attacks. They called me names I could not comprehend and asked me to stay more than a metre away from them. The friends I made immediately hurled unruly remarks and vulgar names at me, slapping me before attempting to attack me when they found out who the rumors say I was.

Mr Lark was afraid to reveal to me the truth that I eventually found out so he created a alternate sub account to carry on his business. Felinus had exams to prepare. Doris and I were mostly alone together during our time online. We isolated ourselves to this area rarely anyone passes by. She was like a big sister to me and we talked to each other our problems there, where no one else could hear us. We were classmates of average rankings so we did lots of stuff together, even in reality.

2 years passed by really quickly, Felinus transferred a Boy’s Home due to a misunderstanding, Mr Lark lost his job and Doris moved to England with a new game account. Then, I realised how I was truly alone. They were never there from the start or the end. They were good but my curse had to make all these happen. Still, throughout the loneliness the ‘girl’s’ presence remained…

…

I didn’t make LoTAP to be that emo!!!

I dreamt of being in 2E, which I rarely go to to hang out. The place looked a lot neater but dimmer than that of 2Fs. Still nice though. Scaring Wan Yi with 2+2= whut har?!

The doors just boomed open and two women, appeared at the doorstep like Grim Reapers.

“Ah, Jing Wei…” *waves to her despite my emo yandere mood*

The prefect grabbed me from my- oh wait, its not my class… and swung my body unto the windows of class 2G. Oh, I see Victor, Ritchie and Jing Yi… For a moment thar I realised how hurt a baseball bat felt. And as I fell, I saw the minute hand of 2G’s clock showing the minute hand pointing at 7.

My head was drowned into the ticking of the clock so subtle. I heard an echo saying “STARE” for unknown reasons. Felt like a grudge for some reason and maybe teasing? Then my head felt like it just went back in time again… In fact, I’m so confused that I don’t even understand what I’m saying in this post.

I felt a little happy cuz part of my goals was achieved. But it felt wrong for some reason, like I took advantage of the tiredness of others to go… fast? So my pride sunk upon realisation and felt irritated when others called me fast when merely they were just tired…

The next training on Friday, I felt like my adrenalin level dropped drastically. Kinda felt like stopping every 6 strokes. It was hard to paddle and remain stable. My hands still feel shaky and legs wobbly for some reason. I don’t feel like my energy’s low, rather I lost my drive to go fast(?).

I dunno how to explain it but that’s how I felt…

My… sore throat just instantly vanished right after praying at the FOP…

…

That’s really cool.

Now when I look back, I realised how much I’ve changed throughout the past 7 years. The influecing of art, the stress accumulated, the Higher
Chinese Hardships, sound based studying methods, the changing of spectacle lens, the strange dream occurences, graduation, the knowing of God, the weight gain, the pain of trying out a new skill, the loss of my best friend…

Soon, I was already 14. My mind became much more complex, as can be seen from the oldest entries in this blog. I got stressed just by being beaten, I changed my dieting habits, I became better at financial management, became serious in several aspects, slept late, woke up earlier, my lies all replaced by truthful words, my memories rewritten, my body and mind became numb…

All I just wanted was to experience those fun times, rather than the sometimes empty ones now. Hey, I wonder if I’m getting senile?